


Ya like jazz?

by Praise_be_Bem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Apples, Commercial breaks, Draco Stan and Dobby have a secret undeground black market business, F/M, Gen, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Magic Gone Wrong, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, VOSS Plus Premium Water (TM), and there are a fuck-ton of bees, settle it in smash, the moon is wet, there are fucking roombas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:56:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 5,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Praise_be_Bem/pseuds/Praise_be_Bem
Summary: On one historic Saturday evening, a bunch of friends sat down to play a game. Given a set of prompts from Cards Against Humanity, Cards Against Muggles and our own deranged imagination, we wrote this fanfic. We weren't drunk. We weren't high. We just embraced the chaos. Enjoy the jazz.(Chapters are written by different people, chapter titles are the author's initial.Further thanks to A2 and I, who didn't get to write any chapters but contributed greatly to the plot, and to T for a good chunk of the prompts.)
Relationships: Cedric Diggory/Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter/Moss, Tom Riddle/Ginny Weasley, Viktor Krum/Ron Weasley
Kudos: 10





	1. 1. D

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts: Aguamenti, Magic now behaves erratically

"Aguamenti!" exclaimed Harry, expecting a stream of water to appear from his wand. He was very shocked when this did not happen, and instead, he was greeted with the sudden appearance of a pine tree.

"What," said Harry. 

"Harry, did you not hear?" said Hermione. "Magic behaves erratically now; it was in the Daily Prophet."

"Oh no, but if magic behaves erratically, how will we know what our spells will do???"

"...We don't," replied Hermione.


	2. 2. M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Ron Weasley, Harry and Voldy decide to settle it in Smash, a carefully orchestrated shadow campaign to make the smiley face emoji a hate symbol, Astronomeme Tower

Ron suddenly barged into the common room. 

“Oi, I was just up in the Astronomeme Tower and saw the weirdest thing.” He catapulted himself over the armrest and flopped onto the sofa. 

“What was it, Ron?” inquired Hermione.

“Moon’s wet.” 

“What.” 

“Moon’s wet,” Ron repeated matter-of-factly. 

Hermione and Harry looked at each other, realization dawning on them before muttering in unison, “Aguamenti...”

The pair raced towards the Astronomeme Tower to see the effects of Harry’s erratic spell themselves, with Ron trailing languidly behind them. However, when they arrived, they were met with another shocking sight: the sickly green of the Morsmodre lit up the night sky, but in the place of the skull was a smiley face emoji. 

They looked down from the tower to find Voldemort himself standing below the hate symbol, wand raised and a wide grin spread across his face.

“Harry Potter,” he bellowed, “I am challenging you to a duel...in Super Smash Bros!”


	3. 3. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Draco Malfoy’s apple fetish, Stan Shunpike’s secret Floo Powder addiction, using magic to enslave one’s classmates

_One year earlier_

“Put your hands up and nobody moves!” the voice of Draco Malfoy rang through the History of Magic classroom. The sleepy-headed students suddenly perked up, only to find themselves held at… well, wand-point, facing the young blond Slytherin who looked, well, worse for wear. His eyes were blood-shot red and his hair was dishevelled, and he grimaced in much the same way as someone would, had they not slept for the past week.

“Now,” Draco continued. “Either you give me the apples, or there will be consequences.”

Nobody made a sound.

“I said,” he went on, “give. Me. The. Apples. Or else!”

Suddenly, Draco caught a glimpse of movement from the corner of his eye. One of the Hufflepuff students had tried to make a run for the door. Unfortunately for them, Draco’s senses had skyrocketed in his craving, so before the student could reach the door, he flicked his wand. All of a sudden, ropes spurted out of the classroom’s floor and tied themselves around not only the unlucky Hufflepuff, but also all the other students. 

“Good thing you didn’t run for a position in your Quidditch team; you wouldn’t have gotten it,” Draco spat at the Hufflepuff. “Anyway, the apples.”

“Oh, but while you’re at it,” another voice came from the back of the classroom. “Get me some Floo Powder too.”

The students, as much as their ropes allowed them to, turned towards the source of the voice. There sat none other than Stan Shunpike, looking similarly crazed to Draco.

“Oh, yes, let’s not forget about my partner-in-crime,” Draco smirked. “Now, the apples and the Floo Powder.”


	4. 4. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: turn to page 394, how the Hungarian Horntail healed after its fight with Harry, regularly mind wiping the Muggle Prime Minister

Luckily for the students in the classroom, Steve was carrying multiple apples about his person. He threw them at Draco, knocking his wand away, causing the ropes to disappear as the students made a mad dash for the door.

_Back to the present_

Harry turned worriedly to Hermione and said anxiously, “I’ve never played, what do I do?” 

“Here, take this book and turn to page 394, it has all the tips and tricks you need! And choose Steve; he has plenty of throwable apples,” replied Hermione. 

Voldemort flew up the Astronomeme Tower and landed, proclaiming, “I choose the Hungarian Horntail, and I have with me the Muggle Prime Minister as a judge! We’ll keep mind wiping him after each round. Regularly.”  
They launched into their battle. Harry, fighting furiously for Steve’s life, managed to cause huge amounts of damage to the dragon and stepped back to give his controller a break, but watched in horror as it started to heal back to full health.


	5. 5. A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Remus Lupin, Quidditch but with Roombas, actually paying attention in History of Magic

The battle seemed unwinnable; every time Harry managed to land a hit, the dragon would somehow heal itself. Even with the manual from Hermione, at this point he was basically just button-mashing, spamming the different buttons and swinging the joystick uncontrollably. Just when all hope seemed lost, he heard a noise rumbling in the distance.

“What… what’s that noise,” Voldemort yelled out to the death eaters floating on broomsticks around the top of the tower. But no matter his screaming and yelling, the rumbling continued to grow. Tiny dark specks appeared in the distance enlarging as they grew nearer to the tower.

Bam! Voldemort slammed forward as he seemed to be hit from behind. Harry turned from his game to see what had caused such a ruckus. Somehow he managed to pause the game, though he honestly didn’t know what button he had pressed to achieve that. Laying on top of the fallen Voldemort, was a Roomba.

A whole squadron of Roombas descended upon the tower. Death Eaters screamed as they were pushed off their brooms by their Roomba enemies.

A larger figure appeared on a broom, landing himself at the top of the tower.

“Are you alright, Harry? We were worried about you when we heard about the Morsmodre spell,” Remus exclaimed as he came over to hug Harry. “You really shouldn’t be concerned with fighting Voldemort, you are still a child. Let us adults, and our trusty Roomba companions fight these battles for you. All you need to worry about is your schoolwork and your friends. Maybe without Voldemort breathing down your back, you can actually pay attention to History of Magic sometime soon.”


	6. 6. D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Ron’s unhealthy obsession with Viktor Krum, Hagrid’s Hut, a crate of Corona beer

“Come on Harry, let’s get you out of here” said Lupin. Turning to Voldemort, he added, “you should be ashamed of yourself for attacking such a fine institution as Hogwarts. Take your Smash Bros grudge matches elsewhere you blithering flobberworm!”

Voldemort hung his head in shame. “Alas Death Eaters, we have not found a worthy opponent here today. At least these convenient roombas will help us leave quickly.”

Voldemort and his Death Eaters took a roomba each, which, coincidentally, were the same amount as they were, and zoomed off into the night.

“Wow Harry, you look quite shaken up by that.”  
“Yes I was Lupin, I have never played Smash before so this really took me by surprise! I think I would like to go visit Hagrid, he always knows just how to calm me down!”  
\---  
 _CRACK_

“Ah Hagrid, that’s the stuff! Oh how I love cracking open a cold one with you.”

“Aye Harry, and crates of Corona are especially cheap recently, so I have bought many of them, teehee!”

“I have loved Corona beer ever since I saw that advert with Krum in it” added Ron. “What a great character that fellow is, an absolute unit, what peak performance looks like. Lo! How I would love to make his acquaintance one day. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Bulgarian quidditch player in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a red-headed scrawny sugar baby.”

“...................Ron are you OK?” asked Hermione.

“I have spoken.”


	7. 7. M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Cedric becomes a sparkly vampire, Draco Malfoy’s apple fetish, like an elephant but better, Honeydukes

The next day, Draco was sadly wandering the aisles of Honeydukes, hoping to locate his favourite apple flavoured lollies to make himself feel better after enduring his father’s foul mood following the failed Death Eater Smash Tournament of the night before. 

He gathered every apple flavoured sweet he could find, his arms nearly overflowing before he bumped into a tall figure, knocking him to the ground. Draco began frantically gathering the dropped sweets, the other person bending down to help. Their fingers brushed and Draco was shocked at the frigid temperature of the other’s skin.

He looked up into the mesmerizingly golden eyes of Cedric Diggory. Sunlight filtered through the window, illuminating Cedric’s pale complexion and...his sparkling skin? 

“You look...different from the last time I saw you,” Draco murmured. 

“It’s been years since we’ve seen each other. I’m surprised you remember,” Cedric responded quietly. 

“Of course,” Draco replied haughtily, “I have a superb memory. Like an elephant, but better.” 

“Well, what do you think of my changed appearance then?”

“I know what you are...” Draco whispered.

“Then say it. Out loud.”

“A vampire.” 

Their eyes locked before they surged forward into a passionate kiss, the apple flavoured sweets forgotten around them, the taste of each other’s mouths sweeter than any Honeydukes sweet could possibly be.

Everyone in Honeydukes erupted into joyous applause.


	8. 8. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Hogwarts rejection letter, Master has given Dobby Molly’s clock, social distancing

In the meantime, Ron had formed a plan. After his Corona-induced rant the previous day, he had decided that the only way forward was to take the first step. After all, times had changed, and it was now entirely acceptable for prospective sugar babies to hit up their potential sugar daddies… amirite?

The first thing he did in the morning was to book a Portkey, straight to Viktor Krum’s residence in Bulgaria. He had to use a few… semi-legal methods of acquiring one, but a bribe later, he had a Portkey, and Dobby came into the possession of Molly’s clock. And Stan Shunpike had his much needed Floo Powder. Everyone was happy.

…Ron wasn’t sure what Dobby needed Molly’s clock for, but he was not the man to dabble in other creatures’ businesses.

Soon, 3pm rolled around, and Ron grasped the apple-shaped Portkey before it began glowing in a brilliant blue. He felt a tug in his tummy before the world began spinning, and spinning, and spinning, until it suddenly wasn’t spinning anymore. Ron unceremoniously landed on his buttocks, feeling somewhat dizzy from the journey.

He landed on a hallway. The walls were cracked, and the place looked positively grim, with all 50 shades of grey completing the colour palette of what must have been the topmost floor of a Soviet-style concrete block. Unshaken by the ghastly interior, Ron stood and knocked on the nearest front door.

Soon after, the door creaked open, revealing a very shirtless Viktor Krum. Sweat drops rolled down his well-shaped abs, sparkling like Cedric’s skin was sparkling in Honeydukes at the exact same time. He pushed his hair out of his eyes in one sexy-schmancy motion, looking into Ron’s eyes with fire comparable to the Gryffindor’s ginger hair. 

“Who are you?” Viktor asked in his thick, smexy Bulgarian accent.

“I’m Ron Weasley,” Ron replied. “I’m your future sugar baby.”

“...Do you go to Hogwarts?” Viktor queried. He would never have told anyone, but he was deeply hurt when he got rejected from the school at the age of 11. His rejection letter still laid in a deeply hidden corner of his office desk, and he would take it out to spit on it every now and again. Never again would he endure such rejection again, he had promised himself back then.

“Yes,” Ron said, his eyes glinting like an emerald as they absorbed certain wavelengths and reflected other wavelengths of the sunlight creeping in through the apartment’s windows. “And I love you,” he added, for good measure.

“Understandable,” Viktor remarked. Then, he pointed to Ron’s shoes before pulling out a Hello Kitty-themed face mask and donning it. “Could you please move a bit further away from the door? We, Bulgarians, are taking social distancing seriously.”

“Oh, of course,” Ron said, taking a few steps back. “So, anyway. I’m your future sugar baby.”

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Viktor mulled over Ron’s proposition for a minute before saying, “If you can take me to Hogwarts, I accept.”

Ron’s eyes lit up as he held up the apple Portkey. “I can take you there right now!”

“Then take me,” said Viktor. Ron reached for the Bulgarian’s arm, social distancing be damned, and in a second, they were both engulfed in a brilliant blue light, spinning back to Scotland.


	9. 9. A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: losing the House Cup because Harry and his friends went on another fucking adventure, a humongous swarm of bees, pureblood inbreeding

_Returning to Hagrid’s Hut_

Harry stumbled out of the backdoor of the hut and towards the woods surrounding Hagrid’s home. He was very drunk at this point, to the degree that he could no longer tell which direction he was going. The forest seemed like the proper place for a nap, with all that moss growing on fallen tree stumps.

_Hiccup… Hiccup_

Wow, he really should not have stayed that long at Hagrid’s, it was far past curfew and if he was caught wandering he’d surely be punished. But the consequences for his choices, surely he would lose points and cost his house the cup, were not at the forefront of his mind, only that soft squishy moss.

He was all alone. Ron had run off to pursue his weird fascination with Viktor Krum and who the fuck knows where Hermoine ended up. He didn’t need friends, they disappoint him.

As he ventured deeper and deeper into the forest, the shadows of the trees grew long around him enclosing him into tighter and tighter paths. Spiderwebs descended around him, surely the product of Aragog’s clan, though he had no interest in confirming these suspicions.

Finally a clearing appeared, the moonlight streaming down nestling light onto the empty area.

MOSS!

He had finally found it, a suitable place to nap his worries away. He settled his head down, the wet dew drops dampening his clothes. And then he knew no more.

He dreamed of twisted fantasies, of nightmares and jubilant celebrations. One dream blended into another. Screaming and scratching noises seemed to overtake his dreams. Portraits hung along the rafters, fire bubbling up from the depths, snakes slithering up his skin. He was surely caught in a nightmare, which was trapping him within Grimmauld Place. The faces of the Black family, corroded with centuries of inbreeding glared down at him. Buzzing in his ears.

“You do not belong, you do not belong.”

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. Why wouldn’t it stop?

He awoke with a burst of energy, his skin crawling with sweat. As his eyes focused, he finally realized what that insistent buzzing noise had been.

A swarm of bees.


	10. 10. D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: a fuck ton of bees, a 300-dollar banana suit, an egg that screams, Hogsmeade

Hermione sat alone in Hagrid’s Hut. Left behind by her friends who ran off to do their own, probably stupid, things. Hagrid himself had fallen asleep - not all that surprising after all that beer.

She decided this simply wouldn’t do. If Harry and Ron can have their own adventures, why not her too? She got up, exited the hut, and took the path towards Hogsmeade. Surely there would be someone around at this hour.

After walking for half an hour she finally arrived at the picturesque little village. How pretty it looked, all covered in snow. Most of the shops were closed at this time, but not, of course, The Three Broomsticks.

She entered the pub and sat at a table. The pub was far from full, but Madam Rosmerta still seemed to have a lot on her hands. Out of the corner of her eye, Hermione spotted a familiar figure.

“Dobby? Is that you?”

“Miss Granger!” the little elf exclaimed excitedly. “How wonderful it is to see you again!”

“And you too! How have you been, how is freedom treating you?”

“Alas miss, Dobby has been struggling to hold down a job ever since I earned my freedom. Dobby needs a steady income miss, or else Dobby won’t be able to satisfy his desires.”

“What are your desires Dobby?”

“Many and varied, miss. Most recently Dobby has had his eye on an exquisite banana suit. But lo! The price tag of $300 is too high for Dobby to afford. Dobby has been considering getting into the antiques business - I don’t suppose you know anyone who owns any fancy clocks?”

“As a matter of fact, my friend Ron’s mother has a very unique clock that shows the locations of his family. You should talk to him about it.”

“Oh thank you miss, Dobby is forever grateful for your help!” And with that, he vanished in a puff of smoke that resembled a fuck-ton of bees.

Hermione chuckled to herself, what an odd little creature Dobby was.

Finally Madam Rosmerta came by to take her order.

“Hello Hermione, I see you are alone today. What can I get you? The chef’s special today is this wonderful omelette, made from an egg which screams. We call it screambled eggs.”

“That sounds lovely, I’ll take one of those please.”

And so, Hermione enjoyed a lovely dinner all by herself in the snow-covered pub.


	11. 11. M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Snape confronted with shampoo, Crabbe rave, a Hogwarts toilet seat, Cedric becomes a sparkly vampire

Following their dalliance in Honeydukes, Draco dragged Cedric back to Hogwarts where his good friend Crabbe was hosting a rave in the Slytherin common room. The party was already in full swing as the two lovebirds arrived, most students well into their fifth or sixth shot of firewhisky. 

As Draco and Cedric began mingling with the Slytherins, a very drunk and moss-covered Harry Potter wandered in, inexplicably wearing a Hogwarts toilet seat around his neck, a swarm of bees following behind him like ducklings would a mother duck. 

“Mr. Potter,” Snape drawled as he emerged from the shadowy corner of the dungeon, like a creepy, sallow-skinned vampire (of the Nosferatu variety, not the sparkly smexy Cedric Diggory variety), “may I ask what you are doing at this Slytherin-only Crabbe Rave?” 

“I’ve come to complete a very important mission, Professor,” Harry slurred drunkenly. “It’s a matter of the utmost importance to the safety of Hogwarts and its students.”

“And what would that be...” Snape hesitantly asked. 

“I’ve got to shampoo your hair, sir,” Harry replied emphatically as his bee minions delivered a bottle of Draco’s apple-scented shampoo into his awaiting hand. 

Snape began to back away in horror. 

“It must be done,” Harry continued gravely, “before the American military descends upon Hogwarts to harvest the oil from your hair.”


	12. 12. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: (internet) troll in the dungeon

_A couple hours earlier_

Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt Bzzt. BZZZZZZZZT!!!!

Harry awoke to an incessant buzzing from his moss-covered dream. He first noticed the bees, who were hanging around his person in a mildly threatening but otherwise not too alarming manner. He decided he could deal with the issue later.

Bzzt.

He felt another buzz, this time, coming from his pocket. Harry reached into the pocket and pulled out his phone, surprised that there was any semblance of reception so deep into the Forbidden Forest (it was a brand new Apple phone, an iPhone 12 Pro with 4K cameras and super-smooth UHD graphics, perfect for playing Raid: Shadow Legends, available for free on the App Store!). 

On his lock screen, he saw a message from somebody named ‘xxx_rawrxDxD_xxx.’ it read:

_haha u n00b, g3t smash3d in smash lulz_

Harry hung his head. How could he forget, his shameful defeat, only saved by a bunch of fucking flying Roombas… and Remus Lupin.

Tears prickled his eyes. How could he be beaten so thoroughly? He turned to the bees with his teared-up eyes, hoping to get some sympathy. The bees, buzzing among themselves, collectively decided that attacking Harry would not be the best course of action. He needed support, and they weren’t evil bees; they were, in fact, rather empathic to the miseries of everyday life. After all, bees were only… not humans, but bees.

The bees circled around Harry, buzzing to comfort him. Harry, hugging his knees to his body, began sobbing. And this, my friends, is how Harry became friends with a fuck-ton of bees.

\---

Meanwhile, deep down in the Chamber of Secrets, a cackle echoed through the dimly lit hallways. 

“Get rekt, lol,” said Tom Riddle Jr., looking at his smartphone with an insurmountable amount of pride. 

“Well done,” another voice answered. “But not enough. We need to destroy all of them. All three of them.”

“Of course,” Tom nodded. “Anything for you, Ginny.”


	13. 13. F

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Stupefy, trusting the Dark Lord not to off you the second you become useless

The Malfoy Manor stood as imposing as ever at the end of a long alley covered in crunchy golden leaves, with the entrance guarded by an enormous white gate. You would expect its high windows to let in as much sunlight as possible, yet it was not the case. The curtains guarded every inch of glass that could have allowed even the tiniest ray of light to infiltrate its rooms and hallways inside. 

While still early in the morning, Lucius Malfoy had just woken up from a terrible nightmare, wishing it would never come true. His insides were twisting with both anger and fear as he got up from the bed and shouted for his house elves to make him a whole kettle of black tea immediately. Drips of sweat were running down his face and his hair was all dump and wet, which he didn’t even notice at first.

After putting on the cardigan hanging on the door of his wardrobe, he proceeded towards the dining room where the biggest kettle in the house was steaming with one of the finest and most expensive black teas ever imaginable. He breathed in deeply as he recollected the happenings in his nightmare.

_“Father, no, you cannot buy cake for Mother’s birthday! You know the Dark Lord is against such puny celebrations.”_

_“You will shut up this instant, Draco! I will do whatever I please and celebrate your mother’s birthday as I wish, irrelevant of what the Dark Lord expects us to”_

_“But father… no, you cannot overrule the word of the Dark Lord, it is forbidden.”_

_“Oh, is it? Then watch me do it! And this will be the end of what I hear from you on the matter. Stay put and keep quiet, never speak a word of this to anyone else or…”_

_“Or what, Father?”_

_“Or you… YOU! How dare you go against my word?”_

_“Go against your word? I didn’t to anything… yet”, Draco lowered his head as he mumbled the last word more to himself than for his father to hear it._

_Suddenly, when Lucius was ready to pay for his wife’s birthday cake, his son drew his wand in his direction and yelled loudly:_

_“STUPEFY!”_

_The elegant three-layered golden cake fell from Lucius’ arms as he dropped unconscious onto the cold floor of the confectionery in Diagon Alley. Everyone around was shocked to watch the scene and while some simply did not raise their heads no more, others were rushing towards the exit, fearing what the younger Malfoy might do to them._

_“Oh , Father, look at you and how pitiful you’ve become, how useless! The Dark Lord should off you right this second! You hear me, Father?” And as he uttered his last question, Draco crouched down next to his father and grabbed him by his hair._

With his eyes closed, Lucius sipped once more from his porcelain cup before trying to calm himself down and putting the cup back on the sturdy oak table. He was not weak like that, no, and most definitely his son, Draco, would not behave that way.


	14. 14. M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: stupidly expensive bottled water, Ed Sheeran out of nowhere, Harry and Voldy settle it in Smash, the troll in the dungeon becomes Minister of Magic)

Following the Crabbe rave, Harry blinked blearily as he found himself waking up on the outskirts of the forbidden forest, surrounded once again by the comfortable moss that he had come to love. His head was pounding from his drunken adventure of the night before, and his bee friends buzzed around him in a soothing manner. 

Suddenly, however, the bees began to buzz frantically.   
“What’s wrong?” Harry asked. 

The bees flew into arrow formation, pointing towards a cluster of black dots in the sky. 

Harry watched as the black dots grew closer and closer, eventually realizing in horror that Voldemort and his death eaters were returning on their roombas! 

“Harry Potter!” Voldemort shouted as he descended from his roomba. “I have returned to challenge you to another Smash Bros duel!”

_Oh no,_ Harry thought to himself, _Remus won’t be around to save me this time from yet another humiliating defeat. And I’m certainly in no condition to fight with this wretched hangover._

Harry put on a brave face. “I accept your challenge, Voldemort, on the condition that you give me some water, as I unfortunately have a hangover.”

Voldemort cackled. “Silly boy, one cannot simply get water for free. I will sell you this bottle of VOSS Plus™ for £10.”

“£10?? That’s stupidly expensive for a bottle of water,” Harry retorted.

“VOSS Plus™ is not just any water. It is the first premium water that is enhanced with Aquamin®, which contains a blend of trace minerals and electrolytes sourced from the coastal seas of Iceland. Also it comes in a glass bottle.”

Merlin, Harry thought, Voldemort was truly the worst type of villainous mastermind - an evil capitalist scumbag. 

“Fuck you and your stupid billionaire water, Voldy!! I’ll battle you without it and still win!” 

“Suit yourself,” Voldemort said, “But you can use code “10LIKEAVOSS” to receive 10% off your next purchase.” 

Harry squinted his eyes angrily.

“Anyways,” Voldemort continued, “This time I have kidnapped the Minister for Magic to be our judge. The troll from the Hogwarts dungeon will act as the Minister in his stead.” 

Harry and Voldemort began their vicious Smash battle, with Harry repeatedly using his favourite move - down B. It seemed his strategy was lacking, as Voldemort was able to do significant damage to his health bar. 

Harry was so focused on the match and his pounding headache that he didn’t notice Bellatrix sneaking up beside him. 

He suddenly felt excruciating pain travel up his legs as his knees buckled underneath him. 

Bellatrix cackled, “Haha! Itty bitty Potter no longer has use of his legs, as I’ve taken his precious kneecaps.” 

“NoooOOoooo,” Harry shouted with as much pain and suffering as Anakin did when he woke up after the events of Mustafar, “my kneecaps!!!!”

Suddenly, a ginger man emerged from the forbidden forest. Harry thought it might have been Ron coming to save him, but he was much shorter than Harry’s best friend and had a guitar strapped across his chest. 

The mysterious man suddenly began to sing, _“When your legs don’t work like they used to before...”_


	15. 15. M2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Rita Skeeter admits that she wrote The Cursed Child to slander Harry

Harry sighed as he dipped into his warm bath. 

“Ow! The fuck was that...” Harry looked down at his broken kneecaps and saw a water beetle gnawing at his cast.

The beetle looked up and spat at him, “I wrote it.”

“????”

*Cocks gun* “I wrote cursed child to spite you, Harry.” 

Harry’s eyebrows flew up, “Rita Skeeter?!”

“Yes.” Rita shot him.

The Beetle flew away.

The end


	16. 16. D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Mewtwo appears on the Hogwarts grounds, The Cruciatus Curse, Honeydukes, Flourish and Blott's

The joyous applause in Honeydukes lasted as long as this kiss itself, which is to say, quite a while. When Draco and Cedric finally left each other’s apple-scented embrace they finally realised that they were being watched the whole time.

“Yeah, you just saw that, count yourselves LUCKY” said Draco, as he took all his apple candies in one hand and Cedric’s hand in his other, and marched proudly out of the sweet shop, Cedric glittering as they went.

Hand in hand they started walking back towards Hogwarts, making the kind of small talk you would expect to be made between an emo rich kid and a sparkly vampire.

“So Cedric, what do you think about Flourish and Blott’s opening a new branch here in Hogsmeade?”

“I mean it makes a lot of fucking sense doesn’t it, why the fuck would you put the school’s bookstore an entire country away from the fucking school?”

“I suppose you have a point, my sparkly smexy boy toy”, chuckled Draco lightly. “Then again, we wizards have never been known for our high logic have we?”

Their well mannered banter continued in much this way for the duration of their walk back towards the castle. They covered many fascinating topics, such as the potential uses of the cruciatus curse, and were so engrossed in conversation that they never noticed a purple figure following them in the shadows.

They approached a patch of long grass on the Hogwarts grounds, and they were just about to exit it when - 

_DELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELE  
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM  
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BADADADA_

_A WILD MEWTWO APPEARED_

“What the fuck is happening” said Cedric, “why is my vision going dark in a swirly box pattern akin to old Nintendo games?”

_What will Cedric and Draco do?_

_> FIGHT >BAG  
>POKÉMON **> RUN**_

_Could not escape!_

_Mewtwo used Psystrike! It’s not very effective on Cedric…_

“Draco what’s happening who the fuck is this flying purple bastard”

“ T H E C I R C U M S T A N C E S O F O N E ‘ S B I R T H A R E I R R E L E V A N T . I T I S W H A T Y O U D O W I T H T H E G I F T O F L I F E T H A T D E T E R M I N E S W H O Y O U A R E .” came a booming voice from, to quote Cedric, the flying purple bastard.

“Oh this is definitely some Dumbledore shenanigans” said Draco exasperatedly. “No one else would say something so vaguely optimistic, and anyway, Dumbledore loves all this sort of motivational nonsense, it gives him more screen time in the long run - what else would he say to Harry in a time when the plot needed it?”

“Dumbledore you say? I will admit, I don’t find that particularly surprising.”

_What will Cedric and Draco do?_

_**> FIGHT** >BAG  
>POKÉMON >RUN_

“Well then Draco, let’s show this flying purple bastard who is the boss around here. STUPEFY!”

“ F O O L S ! H O W D A R E Y O U A T T A C K T H E M I G H T Y M E W T W O “

_Mewtwo used Poison Jab! It’s super effective on both Cedric and Draco!_

Both Cedric and Draco flew back and landed on their, well, backs.

“OW what the FUCK Dumbledore” exclaimed Cedric in a rather large amount of surprise, even given the situations.

Pulling himself up from the ground, Draco added “I mean I know Dumbledore has no regard for student life but I really didn’t think he would go this far. I think I shall have to tell my father about this.”

“OI DUMBLEDORE YA CUNT, GET THIS FLYING PURPLE BASTARD OUT THE WAY, I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE CASTLE WITH MY BOYFRIEND” yelled Cedric into the quickly descending nightfall.

Mewtwo sighed and said in a very different voice to before, “Oh alright then, why do you have to be such buzzkills? It was just a prank bro.”

“Dumbledore you must understand that this was not a prank,” reasoned Draco, “our lives were truly at risk here and as headmaster of the school I expected you to be better than this.”

“ Mate do I look like I give a flying fwooper fuck about anyone who isn’t in Gryffindor? This! This is the curse of being headmaster. Care about all the students they say, you must lead by a healthy example they say. Never once - never ONCE - do they ask if I want to do this job.

Good old Armando, blessn’t his soul, sat me down one day and said “Albus old boy, you will be the next headmaster of Hogwarts and you cannot argue this point because I am going to die in the next 17 seconds and I forgot to do all the actual paperwork to properly assign a new headmaster so you’ll do the job until you die yourself. Get rekt lol”.  
Lo! The day my life was ruined! Cursed to live amongst you bratty kids, always complaining about this and that - “Sir, my homework is too long!”, “Sir, a Pokémon tried to kill me!” Ungrateful I say. UNgrateful to the LAST and I will have NONE OF IT! NONE OF IT I SAY. THIS IS THE LAST ACT OF ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE.

HRJHGRHGRJGDGFGJGK !!!!! “

And with that, the headmaster exploded into a ball of flames.


	17. 17. A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompts: Undying hatred for Margaret Thatcher, being Hogwarts' headmaster, all these dead bodies

The fire exploded abruptly outward slamming students all the way to Hogwarts down to the ground. Smoke billowed out covering the area completely. It took a few minutes for the smoke to settle. As the air cleared, the students began to return to consciousness. Standing from the ground, Draco surveyed the damage around him. Cedric was still lying unconscious below his feet. Even though there had not been people around them previously there were suddenly bodies strewn all around where Dumbledore had been standing.

“Where the fuck did all these dead bodies come from.” Draco yelled out. As far as he could tell Dumbledore was completely gone, turned to ash within his cloak which still remained pristine. Likely the fault of a permanent cleaning charm.

What had caused this rapid crisis with Dumbledore? Maybe the stress of being Hogwarts’ headmaster had finally gotten to him.

Draco did not have long to ponder because Cedric had begun to awake. He needed to attend to his smexy vampire boy toy.

“Ugh…. my head is killing me, though I am already undead,” joked Cedric. “Where’s Dumbledore?”

“Who knows, who cares, thank every deity you know that he isn’t here anymore. Maybe a house other than gryffindor can finally win now.”

“It was hatred that led him to explode. He just couldn’t keep it all in. Hatred of Margaret Thatcher.”

“Fair enough.”

Well who cares. Draco laced his hands with Cedric’s and they skipped together to the castle.


End file.
